While the bond between parent and child is often celebrated as a lifelong connection, studies reveal a different reality.
Studies show that parents and their grown children often experience tensions in their relationships.1 According to a 2015 survey of over 800 people, most estrangements between a parent and an adult child are initiated by the adult child.2
Here are the reasons why relationships between parents and their adult children can become strained or even broken.
1. Unresolved Childhood Issues
Lingering resentment or hurt from childhood experiences can fester and poison the parent-adult child relationship. If left unaddressed, these issues can lead to misunderstandings and ongoing conflict.
2. Clashing Values & Beliefs
As adult children develop their own perspectives and values, they may diverge significantly from their parents’. This can lead to disagreements and tension, especially on sensitive topics like politics, religion, or lifestyle choices.
3. Financial Dependency or Disputes
Money matters can be a major source of friction. Adult children who rely on their parents financially might feel controlled or resentful, while financial disagreements like inheritance disputes can cause lasting damage.
4. Communication Breakdowns
Poor communication can create misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and distance. When parents and adult children fail to express their needs and concerns openly, or when they resort to criticism and blame, the relationship suffers.
5. Unrealistic Expectations
Both parents and adult children may harbor unrealistic expectations of each other.
Parents might expect their adult children to follow a certain path or adhere to their values, while adult children might expect their parents to provide constant support and approval. When these expectations are not met, it can lead to disappointment and resentment.
6. Overprotective Parenting
Some parents struggle to let go and continue to treat their adult children as if they were still young. This can stifle independence and lead to resentment as adult children feel infantilized and unable to make their own choices.
7. Lack of Boundaries
When clear boundaries are not established, roles can become blurred, leading to confusion and conflict. Adult children might feel obligated to share personal details of their lives or feel pressured to comply with their parents’ wishes, even when it goes against their own desires.
8. Past Trauma or Abuse
A history of trauma or abuse can leave deep scars that impact the parent-adult child relationship. Even if the abuse has stopped, the emotional and psychological damage can linger, leading to difficulties with trust, intimacy, and communication.
9. Mental Health Challenges
Untreated mental health issues in either parent or adult child can strain the relationship. If a parent struggles with addiction or a personality disorder, for example, it can create an unstable environment that makes it difficult for the adult child to maintain a healthy relationship.
10. Cultural or Generational Differences
In families with diverse cultural backgrounds or significant age gaps, differing values and expectations can lead to misunderstandings and conflict. Misinterpretations due to language barriers or cultural norms can further exacerbate these issues.
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Nancy Maffia
Nancy received a bachelor’s in biology from Elmira College and a master’s degree in horticulture and communications from the University of Kentucky. Worked in plant taxonomy at the University of Florida and the L. H. Bailey Hortorium at Cornell University, and wrote and edited gardening books at Rodale Press in Emmaus, PA. Her interests are plant identification, gardening, hiking, and reading.