14 Parenting Behaviors That Push Adult Kids Away

Family bonds would be unbreakable in an ideal world, but reality often paints a different picture.

Parental estrangement—a phenomenon where adult children consciously distance themselves physically and emotionally from one or both parents—is becoming increasingly common in modern society.

These 14 behaviors can be the first step toward healing or prevention.

1. Inability to respect boundaries

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Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, but some parents struggle to recognize and respect their adult children’s boundaries. This can manifest as frequent unannounced visits, prying into personal matters, or offering unsolicited advice on major life decisions.

Over time, this boundary-crossing behavior can leave adult children feeling smothered and resentful. They may begin to withdraw or limit contact to establish some sense of autonomy. 

If parents continue to ignore or push against boundaries, the relationship can eventually break down.

2. Criticism & judgment

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Constant criticism, even when well-intentioned, can be incredibly damaging to parent-child relationships. Some parents fall into the habit of routinely pointing out their adult child’s perceived flaws or poor decisions, believing they’re being helpful.

However, this persistent negativity often has the opposite effect. Adult children may begin to dread interactions with their parents, knowing they’ll likely face criticism. 

Over time, they may limit contact to protect their emotional well-being and self-esteem.

3. Inability to apologize or admit fault

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Parents who struggle to take responsibility for their mistakes or apologize when they’ve hurt their children often find themselves at odds with their adult offspring. This behavior can stem from a fear of appearing weak or losing authority.

Unfortunately, refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing or express genuine remorse can leave lasting emotional scars. Adult children may feel that their feelings are invalidated or that their parents care more about being right than maintaining a healthy relationship. 

This can lead to a buildup of resentment and, eventually, estrangement.

4. Emotional manipulation

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Some parents resort to guilt-tripping, passive-aggressive behavior, or other forms of emotional manipulation to control their adult children. This might include making exaggerated claims of illness, threatening self-harm, or using financial support as leverage.

These tactics can be incredibly damaging to the parent-child relationship. Adult children often feel trapped, resentful, and emotionally drained by such behavior. 

In many cases, cutting ties becomes the only way they see to escape the cycle of manipulation and regain control over their own lives.

5. Refusal to accept their child’s partner

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When parents consistently criticize, reject, or interfere with their adult child’s choice of partner, it can create a significant rift in the family. This behavior might stem from cultural differences, socioeconomic concerns, or simply believing that the partner isn’t “good enough.”

Regardless, this rejection forces the adult child to choose between their partner and parents. 

Many ultimately choose their partner, leading to reduced contact or complete estrangement from disapproving parents.

6. Favoritism among siblings

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Showing clear favoritism towards one child over another can have lasting repercussions into adulthood. The less-favored child may struggle with inadequacy and resentment, while the favored child might feel uncomfortable with the dynamic.

This unequal treatment can create tension not just between parents and children but also among siblings. 

As adults, children who feel consistently less valued may distance themselves from their parents and siblings to escape the painful family dynamic.

7. Inability to adapt to their child’s adulthood

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Some parents struggle to adjust their parenting style as their children become adults. They may continue to treat their grown children as if they were still teenagers, attempting to control their decisions or infantilizing them.

This failure to recognize and respect their child’s autonomy can be incredibly frustrating for adult children. They may feel their parents don’t see them as capable adults or respect their choices. 

Over time, this can lead to increased conflict and estrangement as the adult child seeks to assert independence.

8. Dismissing or minimizing feelings

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When parents consistently invalidate or dismiss their children’s emotions, it can cause lasting damage to the relationship. This might involve telling a child they’re overreacting, that they shouldn’t feel a certain way, or that their problems aren’t real problems.

This behavior leaves adult children feeling unheard and unsupported. They may stop sharing their feelings or experiences with their parents altogether, leading to a breakdown in communication. 

In severe cases, emotional neglect can become so painful that estrangement seems like the only option.

9. Expecting constant gratitude

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While it’s natural for parents to want appreciation for their sacrifices, some take this to an extreme. They may constantly remind their adult children of all they’ve done for them, expecting ongoing gratitude and deference in return.

This behavior can make adult children feel their parents’ love and support are conditional. They may begin to see interactions with their parents as transactional rather than loving. 

Over time, the pressure to constantly express gratitude can become overwhelming, leading some adult children to withdraw from the relationship.

10. Refusing to respect differing values or beliefs

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As adult children develop their worldviews, some parents struggle to accept choices that differ from their own. This might involve religious beliefs, political views, lifestyle choices, or career paths.

It creates significant tension when parents consistently criticize or attempt to change their adult children’s core values. Adult children may feel that their parents don’t accept them for who they are, leading to rejection. 

If parents can’t learn to respect their child’s autonomy in these matters, estrangement may follow.

11. Overinvolvement in their child’s marriage

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Some parents have difficulty letting go when their child gets married, leading to inappropriate involvement in the couple’s relationship. This might involve taking sides in arguments, offering unsolicited marital advice, or attempting to influence major decisions.

This behavior can strain the parent-child relationship and the adult child’s marriage. 

Many adult children will ultimately prioritize their spouse over their parents, potentially leading to reduced contact or estrangement if the overinvolvement continues.

12. Substance abuse or untreated mental health issues

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Parents struggling with addiction or unmanaged mental health conditions can create a chaotic and stressful environment for their adult children. This might involve erratic behavior, emotional volatility, or financial instability.

Adult children in these situations often find themselves in a caretaker role, which can be emotionally and financially draining. 

If parents refuse to seek help or take responsibility for their actions, their adult children may eventually decide that distancing themselves is necessary for their well-being.

13. Inability to let go of past grievances

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Some parents hold onto resentment over perceived slights or disappointments from their child’s past, bringing them up repeatedly in current interactions. This might involve rehashing old arguments or continually expressing disappointment over long-ago decisions.

This behavior prevents the relationship from evolving and keeps both parent and child stuck in old patterns. Adult children may feel they can never move forward or be seen differently by their parents. 

If the parent can’t let go of these past issues, the adult child may distance themselves to escape the constant reminders of past conflicts.

14. Expecting their child’s life to revolve around them

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Some parents have difficulty accepting that their adult child’s primary focus is no longer on them. They may demand frequent visits, constant communication, or prioritization over the child’s family or career.

This expectation can create significant stress for adult children as they try to balance their parents’ demands with their own lives and responsibilities. 

If parents can’t adjust their expectations and accept a more peripheral role in their child’s life, the relationship may become strained to estrangement.

Source:

  1. Newport Institute
Nancy Maffia » nancy
Nancy Maffia
Author & Editor | + posts

Nancy received a bachelor’s in biology from Elmira College and a master’s degree in horticulture and communications from the University of Kentucky. Worked in plant taxonomy at the University of Florida and the L. H. Bailey Hortorium at Cornell University, and wrote and edited gardening books at Rodale Press in Emmaus, PA. Her interests are plant identification, gardening, hiking, and reading.