With over 1.3 million active service members and millions more veterans in America, it’s crucial to engage respectfully with those who have served our country.
While most civilians mean well, certain questions and comments can be insensitive or even harmful to veterans. Here’s a guide to phrases you should avoid when speaking with former service members.
1. “Did You Kill Anyone?”
This deeply personal and potentially traumatic question is one of the most inappropriate things to ask a veteran. Combat experiences can be associated with PTSD and other psychological challenges, making such inquiries extremely insensitive and potentially triggering.
Veterans often struggle with complex emotions about their combat experiences, and casual inquiries about killing trivialize these profound experiences. This question reduces their entire service to a single aspect while ignoring the humanitarian and peacekeeping aspects of military service.
2. “When Did You Get Out?”
This implies that military service is something to escape from rather than a respected career choice. It suggests that serving in the military is a temporary phase rather than a meaningful profession.
The phrasing can be particularly offensive to career service members who dedicated significant portions of their lives to military service. Instead, ask about their service experience or what inspired them to join the military.
3. “I’m Sorry You Had to Go through That”
Expressing pity toward veterans can be demeaning and dismissive of their chosen path of service. This statement projects personal assumptions about military service and fails to recognize that many veterans take pride in their service.
Rather than offering sympathy, show respect and gratitude for their service. Veterans deserve admiration for their dedication and sacrifice, not pity.
4. “You Must Have PTSD”
Making assumptions about a veteran’s mental health is both presumptuous and potentially harmful. Not every veteran experiences PTSD, and those who do may feel stigmatized by such casual diagnoses.
This oversimplifies complex mental health issues and can make veterans feel uncomfortable discussing their genuine experiences. Mental health challenges vary greatly among veterans and should be addressed with sensitivity.
5. “We All Owe You”
While well-intentioned, this statement can make veterans uncomfortable and create unrealistic expectations. Many veterans view their service as a choice they made willingly and don’t expect special treatment.
This can also create awkward situations in professional settings where veterans are trying to establish themselves based on their current skills and abilities.
6. “You Seem So Normal”
This backhanded compliment implies that veterans are typically abnormal or damaged in some way. It reflects harmful stereotypes about military service and its effects on individuals.
Such statements can make veterans feel alienated and misunderstood. Every veteran is unique, and their service experience is just one part of who they are.
7. “I Almost Joined the Military”
This often comes across as an attempt to relate while actually diminishing the veteran’s actual service. It suggests that joining the military is equivalent to serving, which overlooks the significance of actual service.
Veterans have made real sacrifices and commitments that go far beyond merely considering military service. This statement can seem like an attempt to equate thinking about service with actually serving.
8. “What Was War Like?”
This overly broad question can be difficult and uncomfortable for veterans to answer. Combat experiences are often complex and deeply personal, making them challenging to explain to civilians.
Instead of asking such general questions, show interest in their specific role or responsibilities during their service. This allows veterans to share what they’re comfortable discussing.
9. “Military Phrases in Casual Conversation”
Using military jargon like “check your six” or “roger that” can come across as mockery of military culture. These phrases have specific meanings in military contexts and using them casually can seem disrespectful.
It can be irritating when civilians attempt to use military terminology to seem knowledgeable or relatable. It’s better to speak naturally and avoid trying to adopt military language.
10. “I Know How You Feel”
Unless you’ve served in the military yourself, claiming to understand a veteran’s experience can be offensive. Military service creates unique experiences that civilians typically cannot fully comprehend.
This statement often comes across as dismissive of the unique challenges and experiences veterans have faced. Instead, listen with empathy and acknowledge that their experiences are unique.
11. “You Must Love War Movies”
This assumption stereotypes veterans and trivializes their actual service experiences. Not all veterans enjoy watching dramatized versions of warfare, especially those who have experienced combat firsthand.
Many war movies are unrealistic or potentially triggering. Avoid making assumptions about their entertainment preferences based on their service.
12. “Was It Like Call of Duty?”
Comparing real military service to video games or movies trivializes the real dangers and sacrifices of military service. This comparison shows a fundamental misunderstanding of what military service actually entails.
Real combat and military service involve genuine risk, loss, and sacrifice that can’t be compared to entertainment. Such comparisons can be particularly offensive to those who have lost comrades in service.
13. “I’m Glad You Made It Back in One Piece”
This statement overlooks invisible wounds and psychological impacts of service. Not all injuries or scars from military service are visible, and this phrase can minimize hidden struggles.
Many veterans return with various challenges that aren’t immediately apparent. This type of comment can make those dealing with non-visible injuries feel invalidated.
14. “Do You Have Friends Who Died?”
Questions about losing comrades are extremely personal and potentially traumatic. Loss in military service is a deeply emotional topic that shouldn’t be brought up casually.
This type of question can force veterans to revisit painful memories they may not wish to discuss. Let veterans choose if and when to share such personal experiences.
15. “The Military Is Just about Fighting”
This statement demonstrates a fundamental misunderstanding of military service. The military serves many functions beyond combat, including humanitarian aid, peacekeeping, and disaster relief.
Such oversimplification ignores the numerous roles and responsibilities military personnel fulfill. Many service members never see combat but contribute significantly in other vital ways.
Engaging with veterans requires sensitivity and understanding. By avoiding certain phrases that can be hurtful or dismissive, we can foster respectful conversations that honor their service and experiences.
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Martha A. Lavallie
Martha is a journalist with close to a decade of experience in uncovering and reporting on the most compelling stories of our time. Passionate about staying ahead of the curve, she specializes in shedding light on trending topics and captivating global narratives. Her insightful articles have garnered acclaim, making her a trusted voice in today's dynamic media landscape.