Did you know that fewer than 1% of Americans currently serve in the military? This statistic highlights the growing civilian-military divide in our society.1
A survey by the Pew Research Center found that 84% of post-9/11 veterans believe the public doesn’t understand the problems faced by those in the military.2
Are you unknowingly contributing to this disconnect? Here are the 17 worst things you can say to a veteran and learn how to bridge the gap with more meaningful, respectful dialogue.
1. “Did You Kill Anyone?”
It’s hard to imagine anyone asking this question, but it comes up more often than you might think. This inquiry not only catches veterans off guard but also forces them to confront potentially traumatic memories.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics 2018, fewer than 10% of all active duty service members held a combat specialty job. (ref) This means that most veterans have not been directly involved in combat situations.
Instead of asking about taking lives, consider inquiring about their deployment experiences or if they are combat veterans.
Allow veterans to choose how much they wish to disclose about their service.
2. “Do You Agree with the War on Terror?”
When an individual joins the military, they take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, obey the orders of the President, and follow the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
This commitment often requires service members to participate in wars or conflicts, regardless of their personal beliefs. Asking veterans if they agree with a particular war puts them in an uncomfortable position.
A better approach would be to ask open-ended questions about their opinions on military service or their experiences, allowing them to share as much or as little as they feel comfortable.
3. “Did Any of Your Friends Die?”
Losing a fellow service member is a painful experience that can leave lasting emotional scars. Asking a veteran if any of their friends died during their service is not only insensitive but also runs the risk of bringing up past events that they may not wish to relive.
It’s important to remember that the bonds formed in the military are often stronger than those in civilian life due to the intense experiences shared.
If a veteran shares stories about fallen comrades, listen with empathy and respect. However, it’s best to avoid directly asking about such losses.
4. “Do You Have PTSD?”
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a serious mental health condition that can develop after experiencing or witnessing a life-threatening event, such as combat, a natural disaster, or an assault. (ref)
Asking a veteran if they have PTSD is akin to asking a stranger if they suffer from depression or anxiety.
It’s a deeply personal matter that should only be discussed if the veteran initiates the conversation.
Instead of making assumptions about a veteran’s mental health, express your appreciation for their service and let them know you’re available to listen if they ever need someone to talk to.
5. “How Could You Leave Your Family for So Long?”
Military service often requires extended periods away from loved ones, which can be incredibly challenging for the service member and their family. Asking a veteran how they could leave their family for so long implies that their decision to serve was made lightly.
In reality, many veterans struggle with the sacrifices they make to fulfill their duties.
Rather than questioning their commitment to their family, acknowledge the difficulties they may have faced and express your admiration for their dedication to serving their country.
6. “What’s the Worst Thing That Happened to You?”
Combat veterans may have witnessed or experienced deeply traumatic events during their service. Asking about the worst thing that happened to them not only forces them to relive these painful memories but also trivializes their experiences.
Understanding that some veterans may never feel comfortable sharing the details of their most difficult moments is crucial.
If a veteran chooses to open up about their experiences, listen with an open heart and without judgment. Remember that your role is to provide support and understanding, not to satisfy your curiosity.
7. “Couldn’t Get into College, Huh?”
One of the most common misconceptions about veterans is that they joined the military because they couldn’t get into college. This assumption is inaccurate and incredibly disrespectful to the diverse range of individuals who choose to serve their country.
Many veterans have pursued higher education before, during, or after military service.
Instead of making assumptions about a veteran’s educational background, ask them about their goals and aspirations.
Offer your support and encouragement as they navigate the challenges of transitioning from military to civilian life.
8. “You’re Hardcore Conservative, Right?”
Political beliefs are deeply personal and vary widely among veterans, just as civilians. Assuming that all veterans hold a particular political ideology is inaccurate and dismissive of their individual experiences and perspectives.
Veterans come from diverse backgrounds and have a wide range of political views.
If you’re interested in discussing politics with a veteran, approach the conversation with an open mind and a willingness to listen.
Avoid making blanket statements or assumptions about their beliefs based on military service.
9. “Oh, You Were Just ‘Support’ – So You Weren’t in Any Danger, Right?”
Every role within the military is essential to the mission’s success, regardless of whether it involves direct combat or support functions. Assuming that veterans who served in support roles were not in danger is a gross misunderstanding of the realities of military service.
Support personnel often face the same risks and challenges as their combat counterparts, including exposure to hostile fire, improvised explosive devices, and other threats.
When discussing a veteran’s service, acknowledge the importance of their role and the sacrifices they made, regardless of their specific job or assignment.
10. “So, You Don’t Like Arabs or Muslims?”
Stereotyping veterans as being prejudiced against particular ethnic or religious groups is not only offensive but also inaccurate. The U.S. military is a diverse organization, with service members from various backgrounds, beliefs, and experiences.
Many veterans have served alongside and formed close bonds with individuals from various cultures and faiths.
If you’re curious about a veteran’s experiences with other cultures during their service, ask open-ended questions and listen with an open mind.
Avoid making assumptions or perpetuating harmful stereotypes.
11. “How Terrible That Must Have Been?”
While it’s natural to express empathy for the challenges veterans may have faced during their service, making blanket statements about how terrible their experiences must have been can come across as insensitive.
Every veteran’s experience is unique; some may have positive memories or a sense of pride associated with their service.
Instead of making assumptions about veterans’ feelings towards their service, ask them how they feel about their experiences and listen without judgment.
12. “Thank You for Your Service” (As a Brush-Off)
While expressing gratitude for a veteran’s service is always appreciated, using the phrase “thank you for your service” to end a conversation or avoid engaging further can be dismissive.
Veterans often appreciate when civilians take a genuine interest in their experiences and are willing to listen to their stories.
If you truly want to express your appreciation for a veteran’s service, take the time to engage in a meaningful conversation.
Ask questions about their experiences, their challenges, and their triumphs. Show that you value their contributions and are interested in understanding their perspective.
13. “Do You Feel Guilty about What You Had to Do over There?”
Asking a veteran if they feel guilty about their actions during their service is an incredibly loaded and insensitive question. Many veterans struggle with complex emotions related to their experiences, including guilt, shame, and moral injury.
However, it’s important to remember that they often acted under orders and were in service to their country.
If a veteran chooses to share their feelings of guilt or moral conflict with you, listen with empathy and without judgment.
Encourage them to seek professional help if they struggle to process these emotions.
14. “Is It Hard to Get Back to Real Life after Being in the Military?”
The transition from military to civilian life can be challenging for many veterans, but asking if it’s hard to get back to “real life” implies that their military service was somehow less valid or meaningful than their civilian experiences.
Veterans often struggle with a sense of purpose, identity, and belonging after leaving the military and may face difficulties in finding employment, housing, and social support.
Instead of minimizing their military experiences, ask veterans about their challenges in transitioning to civilian life and offer your support and resources where appropriate.
15. “What’s the Big Deal? You Signed Up for This.”
Dismissing a veteran’s struggles or experiences by reminding them that they voluntarily joined the military is not only insensitive but also fails to acknowledge the sacrifices they made in service to their country.
Many veterans joined the military out of duty, patriotism, or a desire to make a difference. They often face challenges and hardships that are difficult for civilians to comprehend.
When veterans share their experiences or struggles with you, validate their feelings and express your appreciation for their service.
Avoid minimizing their sacrifices or implying that they should have expected the difficulties they faced.
16. “I Almost Joined the Military, but…”
Comparing your own experiences or choices to those of a veteran can come across as insensitive and dismissive. Unless you have served in the military, it’s difficult to fully understand the realities and challenges of military life.
Telling a veteran that you almost joined the military but ultimately chose a different path can make them feel like their service is being trivialized.
Instead of comparing your experiences to those of veterans, focus on listening to their stories and expressing your appreciation for their service.
Acknowledge the unique challenges they may have faced and the sacrifices they made for their country.
17. “I Know Exactly How You Feel”
Unless you’ve served in the military, it’s impossible to truly understand a veteran’s experiences. This statement, while often well-intentioned, can dismiss the unique challenges and experiences veterans face.
Research from the RAND Corporation shows that 18.5% of veterans who returned from Iraq and Afghanistan have post-traumatic stress disorder or depression. (ref)
These experiences are unique to military service and cannot be fully understood by civilians.
Instead of claiming to understand, express empathy and a willingness to listen if the veteran wants to share their experiences.
By avoiding these insensitive questions and focusing on open-ended, respectful dialogue, we can bridge the gap between civilians and veterans and show appreciation for their service and sacrifices.
Remember, every veteran’s experience is unique, and it’s our responsibility to create a supportive and understanding environment where they feel valued and heard.
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Nancy Maffia
Nancy received a bachelor’s in biology from Elmira College and a master’s degree in horticulture and communications from the University of Kentucky. Worked in plant taxonomy at the University of Florida and the L. H. Bailey Hortorium at Cornell University, and wrote and edited gardening books at Rodale Press in Emmaus, PA. Her interests are plant identification, gardening, hiking, and reading.
