70% of Divorces are Caused by Communication Issues—15 Phrases to Avoid with Your Spouse

A strong, healthy marriage is built on a foundation of open, honest communication. However, even with the best intentions, certain phrases can slowly erode that foundation, leaving behind resentment and emotional scars.

In fact, a study found that 70% of divorces are attributed to communication problems.¹

Here are 15 phrases you should avoid at all costs. By being mindful of your words and choosing to speak with love and respect, you can strengthen your bond and build a marriage that stands the test of time.

1. “You always…” or “You never…”

Using absolutes like “always” or “never” is a surefire way to put your spouse on the defensive. These statements are rarely accurate and can make your partner feel attacked and unappreciated.

Instead of using these phrases, try to be specific about the behavior that’s bothering you. For example, “I feel frustrated when you leave your clothes on the floor” is more constructive than “You never clean up after yourself!”

2. “I told you so”

No one likes to be wrong, and rubbing it in your spouse’s face is a recipe for resentment. Even if you were right about something, saying “I told you so” comes across as condescending and dismissive.

Focus on finding a solution together. If your partner made a mistake, offer your support and work as a team to prevent similar issues in the future.

3. “If you loved me, you would…”

This manipulative phrase implies that your spouse’s love is conditional and depends on their willingness to do what you want. It’s a form of emotional blackmail that can damage your relationship.

Remember that love is not about control or coercion. Express your needs and desires openly and honestly without resorting to guilt trips or ultimatums.

4. “You’re just like your mother/father”

Comparing your spouse to their parents, especially in a negative light, is a low blow. It dismisses their individuality and can stir up painful memories or insecurities.

Focus on addressing the specific behavior or issue at hand, without bringing family members into the discussion. Your spouse is their own person, and it’s essential to treat them as such.

5. “You’re overreacting”

Invalidating your partner’s feelings by telling them they’re overreacting is a surefire way to escalate an argument. It dismisses their perspective and suggests that their emotions are irrational or unimportant.

Try to understand where your spouse is coming from. Validate their feelings, even if you don’t agree with them, and work together to find a solution that addresses both of your concerns.

6. “I can’t deal with you right now”

Shutting down communication during a disagreement is a form of stonewalling, which can be incredibly hurtful to your partner. It leaves them feeling ignored and unimportant.

If you need a break to cool down or collect your thoughts, communicate this clearly to your spouse. Say something like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take a 15-minute break and come back to this when we’re both calmer?”

7. “You’re not listening to me”

Accusing your partner of not listening can make them feel defensive and unappreciated, especially if they are making an effort to understand your perspective.

Instead of making this accusation, try rephrasing your concerns. Say something like, “I’m not sure if I’m explaining this clearly. Can I try again?” This approach invites collaboration and shows that you value your partner’s input.

8. “You’re so lazy”

Name-calling and personal attacks are never acceptable in a healthy relationship. Labeling your spouse as “lazy” or any other negative term is hurtful and counterproductive.

If you’re frustrated with your partner’s lack of initiative or follow-through, express your concerns using “I” statements. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to handle all the household chores alone. Can we work together to find a more balanced division of labor?”

9. “I wish I never married you”

Saying that you regret your marriage is one of the most hurtful things you can say to your spouse. It undermines the commitment you made to each other and suggests that your relationship is disposable.

Even in the heat of an argument, avoid making statements that call your entire marriage into question. If you’re feeling unhappy or unfulfilled, address these issues with your partner in a calm, constructive manner, perhaps with the help of a couples therapist.

10. “You’re not attractive anymore”

Physical attraction may fluctuate over the course of a long-term relationship, but telling your spouse that you no longer find them attractive is incredibly hurtful. It can shatter their self-esteem and create feelings of inadequacy.

Remember that true love goes beyond physical appearance. Focus on expressing your appreciation for your partner’s inner qualities and the things that drew you to them in the first place.

11. “You’re a terrible parent”

Criticizing your spouse’s parenting skills is a surefire way to create tension and resentment in your relationship. It suggests that you don’t trust their judgment or ability to care for your children.

If you have concerns about your partner’s parenting approach, discuss them privately and respectfully. Work together to establish consistent rules and boundaries for your children and present a united front as a parenting team.

12. “I don’t care”

Dismissing your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or concerns with a flippant “I don’t care” is incredibly hurtful. It suggests that their input is unimportant and that you’re not invested in the relationship.

Even if you disagree with your spouse or feel frustrated, make an effort to listen and engage with their perspective. Show that you value their opinions and are committed to finding a solution that works for both of you.

13. “I hate you”

Expressing hatred towards your spouse, even in the heat of the moment, can leave deep emotional scars. It suggests that your love has turned to contempt and that the relationship may be beyond repair.

If you’re feeling angry or resentful towards your partner, take a step back and examine the root causes of these emotions. Work on expressing your feelings in a more constructive way, focusing on specific behaviors or issues rather than attacking your spouse’s character.

14. “I’m done.”

Threatening to leave the relationship or end the marriage during an argument is a manipulative tactic that can erode trust and security in your partnership. It suggests that your commitment is conditional and that you’re willing to walk away at the first sign of trouble.

If you’re feeling unhappy or unfulfilled in your marriage, express these concerns to your partner in a calm, honest conversation. Work together to identify the issues and explore potential solutions, such as couples therapy or individual counseling.

15. “I want a divorce”

Unless you’re absolutely certain that you want to end your marriage, avoid using the word “divorce” in arguments or heated moments. It’s a nuclear option that can shatter trust and create deep wounds in your relationship.

If you’re considering divorce, approach the topic with care and sensitivity. Have an honest, respectful conversation with your spouse about your feelings and concerns, and explore all possible options for reconciliation before making a final decision.

The words we use have the power to build up or tear down our relationships. By avoiding these 15 hurtful phrases and choosing to communicate with love, respect, and empathy, you can create a stronger, more resilient marriage that weathers life’s challenges.

Remember, a kind word and a listening ear can go a long way in fostering a deep, lasting connection with your spouse.

Source:

1. National Library of Medicine