Just 5% of Older Americans Are Dating—12 Red Flags to Know

Dating in your 60s can be thrilling, but it’s also marked by unique hurdles. Research shows only 5% of older Americans are actively dating, with the numbers shrinking significantly by age. For singles aged 57-64, 18% are dating, but by 75-85, it drops to just 9%.

Recognizing red flags in a potential partner can help you avoid missteps and navigate the dating world with confidence. Here are 12 critical warning signs to watch for.

1. Trouble Communicating

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Good communication is key in any relationship, especially as you get older. If you notice that you and your partner struggle to express your thoughts and feelings or have trouble understanding each other, it’s a red flag. 

A study highlights that communication is key in the relationship for talking about expectations, future plans, aging-related sexual issues, and any help you may need. (ref) You might find yourself frustrated or unsure of where you stand, which can lead to emotional distance over time.

2. Money Problems

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Money can be a big stressor in relationships, and if your partner is constantly struggling financially, it might put a strain on your connection. Whether it’s issues with debt, poor money management, or constantly worrying about bills, financial instability can affect both of you. 

It can lead to tension, arguments, and even feelings of insecurity. If they’re not taking steps to manage their finances or address money problems, it could cause stress for the relationship in the long term. It’s important to discuss financial habits early on to make sure you’re on the same page.

3. Moving Too Fast

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It’s exciting to meet someone new, but rushing into a relationship can be a mistake. If your partner is pushing things forward quickly—whether it’s moving in together or talking about a long-term commitment right away—it might feel overwhelming. 

Taking things slow allows both of you to truly get to know each other and ensure you’re on the same page. If you’re feeling rushed, it’s okay to slow down and set boundaries.

4. Constant Comparisons

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If your partner is always comparing you to their exes, friends, or even people they see on TV, it can make you feel inadequate. Healthy relationships should be based on acceptance and appreciation for who you are, not comparisons. 

If they often bring up how others have done things better or how you don’t measure up, it can erode your confidence and make you feel like you’re never enough. Everyone has unique qualities, and both of you need to focus on building a connection that is special to you.

5. You Feel Like Their Caretaker

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In some relationships, especially when one person is older or facing health challenges, you might start to feel more like a caregiver than a partner. 

A 2020 study found that many older women prefer not to remarry. Instead, they look for a companion who allows them to keep their independence and financial freedom, after years of likely having caregiving responsibilities. (ref)

That said, you deserve a partner who supports you, not just someone who relies on you for everything.

6. Different Life Goals

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When your goals or priorities don’t match up, it can lead to frustration and disappointment. For example, one of you may want to travel and experience new things, while the other is more focused on settling down and finding stability. 

If you and your partner aren’t working toward similar future goals—whether that’s in career, lifestyle, or personal growth—it can feel like you’re on different paths. Having shared goals helps build a strong connection, so if your goals don’t align, it’s important to discuss them and figure out if compromise is possible.

7. Struggles with Self-Relationship

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How your partner feels about themselves plays a big role in the relationship. If they’re constantly negative about their own life or constantly seeking validation from others, it can become draining.

Healthy relationships need two people who are confident and secure in themselves. 

If your partner seems to be constantly battling low self-esteem or a poor self-image, it could be a sign that the relationship is unbalanced, and it might eventually affect how they treat you.

8. Disconnected Attachment Style

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Your attachment style shapes how you connect with others, especially in relationships. If your partner has an avoidant or anxious attachment style, you might feel like there’s a lack of closeness or intimacy. 

For example, if they pull away when things get tough or constantly need reassurance, it can create distance between you and them. A healthy relationship requires emotional closeness and trust, and if your partner’s attachment style is creating distance or confusion, it can be a challenge to feel secure together.

9. Always Seeing the Negative

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Constant negativity can be draining, especially in a relationship. If your partner often focuses on what’s wrong, complains about life, or sees the glass as half-empty, it can start to affect your own outlook.

While everyone has bad days, living in a constant state of pessimism can make you feel weighed down and stressed. 

A healthy relationship involves lifting each other up, encouraging growth, and staying hopeful even in tough times. If your partner’s negative view is affecting your well-being, it might be worth addressing.

10. Often Isolating

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A healthy relationship should have room for both partners to grow individually as well. If your partner has very few friends or social ties, it might signal that they have trouble building or maintaining relationships outside of the romantic one. 

It can also lead to you becoming their only source of social connection, which can feel overwhelming. You both need support from different areas of your life to stay balanced, so if they’re isolating themselves or don’t have a social circle, it could impact your relationship in the long run.

11. Too Much Focus on Kids

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While it’s natural for parents to care about their children, if your partner’s focus is always on their kids and you feel like you’re being sidelined, this can be a problem. 

A healthy relationship requires both people to give time and attention to each other, not just their children. If you’re constantly feeling like second place to their family, it could lead to feelings of neglect or frustration. 

12. Overly Focused on Getting Older

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Aging can be a sensitive topic, but if your partner is too focused on getting older, it might affect your connection. A 2022 study found that how we view aging is affected by marriage changes.

Divorced or widowed people had a more negative view of aging, while those who remarried felt more positive about it than those who stayed single. (ref)

A positive mindset and focusing on the opportunities that come with each stage of life can help maintain a fulfilling relationship. If your partner is stuck on the idea of getting older and it’s making them unhappy, it could put a strain on your ability to enjoy the present together.

So, take your time, trust your instincts, and don’t be afraid to set boundaries. You deserve a relationship that brings joy, respect, and support, no matter your age.

Source:

  1. Arizona State University News
  2. Journal of Marriage and Family
Nancy Maffia » nancy
Nancy Maffia
Author & Editor | + posts

Nancy received a bachelor’s in biology from Elmira College and a master’s degree in horticulture and communications from the University of Kentucky. Worked in plant taxonomy at the University of Florida and the L. H. Bailey Hortorium at Cornell University, and wrote and edited gardening books at Rodale Press in Emmaus, PA. Her interests are plant identification, gardening, hiking, and reading.