What’s Your Attachment Style? 5 Steps to Find Out

Attachment styles are the blueprints that shape how we form and navigate relationships throughout our lives. Developed in early childhood, these patterns of behavior and emotional responses stem from the bond we shared with our primary caregivers. 

Understanding your attachment style can provide invaluable insights into your relational tendencies, helping you build healthier, more fulfilling connections.

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory, pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that our earliest relationships with caregivers lay the foundation for how we relate to others throughout life. (ref) 

The emotional bonds formed in infancy create a template that guides our expectations and behaviors in future relationships.

There are four main attachment styles:

1. Secure attachment
2. Anxious (preoccupied) attachment
3. Avoidant (dismissive) attachment
4. Disorganized (fearful-avoidant) attachment

Step 1: Reflect on Your Childhood Experiences

Your attachment style is deeply rooted in the quality of care and responsiveness you received from your primary caregivers during childhood. 

Take a moment to reflect on your early experiences:

• How did your caregivers respond to your emotional needs?
• Were they consistently available, nurturing, and attuned to your feelings?
• Did you feel secure and safe in their presence, or did you often experience anxiety or fear of abandonment?
• Were your caregivers emotionally distant or inconsistent in their responses?

Answering these questions honestly can provide valuable insights into the foundation of your attachment style.

Step 2: Examine Your Relational Patterns

Your attachment style manifests itself in the way you approach and navigate relationships. Take a closer look at your patterns and behaviors in intimate connections:

• Do you find it easy to trust your partner and feel comfortable with emotional intimacy?
• Do you tend to become overly clingy or jealous, constantly seeking reassurance from your partner?
• Do you struggle to open up emotionally and prefer to maintain emotional distance?
• Do you experience a push-pull dynamic, oscillating between craving closeness and pushing your partner away?

Identifying these patterns can help you recognize the underlying attachment style that shapes your relational dynamics.

Step 3: Take an Attachment Style Quiz

While self-reflection is crucial, taking an attachment style quiz can provide an objective assessment of your tendencies. These quizzes typically consist of a series of questions designed to evaluate your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships. Some reputable sources for attachment style quizzes include:

• Psych Central’s Attachment Style Quiz (ref)
• The Attachment Project’s Attachment Style Quiz (ref)
• NPR’s Attachment Style Quiz (ref)

Remember, these quizzes are not definitive diagnoses but can offer valuable insights and a starting point for further exploration.

Step 4: Seek Professional Guidance

While self-assessment can be informative, seeking guidance from a mental health professional can provide a more comprehensive understanding of your attachment style. 

A therapist or counselor trained in attachment theory can help you:

• Identify your specific attachment style and its underlying causes
• Explore how your attachment style influences your relationships
• Develop strategies to cultivate a more secure attachment style
• Address any related emotional or relational challenges

Working with a professional can offer a safe and supportive environment to explore your attachment patterns and develop healthier relational skills.

Step 5: Embrace Growth & Change

Understanding your attachment style is not about labeling or judging yourself; it’s about gaining self-awareness and empowering yourself to create positive change. 

Attachment styles can be deeply ingrained, but they are not set in stone. With conscious effort and the right tools, you can work towards developing a more secure attachment style, fostering healthier relationships, and cultivating emotional resilience.